This past week has had a flurry of activity, culminating today in receiving test results indicating that my lung situation is greatly improved and my bone situation is “completely resolved.” As for the prostate, my PSA continues to be zero (monthly tests since January) and I have no urinary symptoms. This is now about 10 months since the original diagnosis of stage 4 d2 prostate-bones-lung cancer.
Needless to say I am very relieved to get these new test results. The uncertainty of not objectively knowing what is going on has been a strain, more than I was letting myself really feel. I did not want to over-test in order to avoid radiation exposure and expense, but a sequence of events recently forced my hand and I received some good advice from a friend to just do it now. As I have become the “Yes Man” through this adventure, I capitulated and changed course. Today I am glad that I did.
About a week ago I started to have some pain in the left hip and I experienced a surge of paranoia: “Is this It?” The fear of cancer looming over one’s life is a huge autonomic load. I could try to talk myself out of it, but morbid thoughts kept coming up, even as I continued full-blast on my strategies. These kinds of thoughts are not cognitive, they just sweep into the mental foreground without warning. Perhaps the left hip was degenerating, perhaps a cough meant the lungs were shutting down, etc. etc. etc.. the hip pain created an air of crisis and an urgent impulse to get information. It was a classic case of the sympathetic nervous system’s orienting response– what Peter Levine describes as a “biological need to know.”
Now that the tests have been done, I think the hip pain was just strain arising from exertions in the garden, and a week later it is mostly gone. I think that fear of cancer or any other dire condition is enough to cause serious health problems. Of course these feelings also had an effect in my family and community, with different colorations for wife, children, siblings, friends, students, clients. It has been an emotional swamp that I tried to manage, but with uneven effectiveness.
I intended to wait for further testing for another couple of months, to mark the end of one full year of hormone therapy. As I described before, hormone therapy is not something that can be continued indefinitely because undesirable side effects start to add up. Tests at that time (September) would set a benchmark that could be used to track conditions once testosterone is allowed back into the system. There is a side-story to be told, just about the experience of no testosterone for 9 months!
The test report language includes:
For the lungs: “[Comparison Oct. 21, 2010 and Nov. 24, 2010] The widespread pulmonary masses that were shown previously are greatly diminished in size. Most of the nodules are a few millimeters today, 2 to 5 mm in size. A couple of the larger nodules that were shown on the right side are more faint now and measure 1.5 cm and 1.9 cm. Many of the previous nodules are no longer detectable on the chest radiograph today. The current appearance shows continued improvement compared to Nov. 24. Heart size remains normal. No pleural effusions. I do not see any lesions in the bones. Impression: Improvement in widespread pulmonary metastases.”
For the bones: “[Comparison Oct. 13, 2010] The previously seen abnormal pelvic uptake involving the symphysis pubis as well as the superior pubic ramus on the right and the right acetabular region has essentially completely resolved… No other suspicious regions are identified.”
I am so grateful to be apparently getting a second chance and very determined to make the best of it. I appreciate so much the support of my family, friends and community, dozens of individuals who have contributed prayers, well-wishes, logistical and financial support! If such a journey needs to be taken, I highly recommend not trying to take it alone. I feel truly blessed to be a recipient of the tremendous resources that have manifested in my adventure. As Dr. Sha would say, “Thank You Thank You Thank You.”